midlife crisis when the fog lifts
I think its also the type of people he befriends. So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids. Tells us that he has no contact with her outside work. Stop trying to fix it or him. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. I know that your last response was this past December so you may not even see this, but I am going through a similar situation and could absolutely use some advice. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. It can lead to a renewed marriage. B/c he was planning on leaving me. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. But it was my Hs idea to change. In my case, I am the CS. Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. That much I know. I know that. Bc now I feel like thats done with. Youre absolutely right. Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. So sorry for you. How do you get past that? For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. Hahahaha the stuff that come out of his mouth was unbelievable and so far from reality. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. I didnt really want to talk, I said I didnt feel good and was going to work from home. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. Any $ in my name or certain accounts is not considered marital assets. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. Divorce. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? I should just be honest with him and tell him I dont know what to do and where we stand, but im so sick of bringing things up and watching his face just fall in annoyance (sometimes). WebIt was devastating news to say the least. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. Of course they are idiots but that is another conversation. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. I regret getting married to him. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? I do fear nights that he starts to not come home at all. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. Many of these stories are helpful. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. And when I was, I didnt take it. K. There is nothing you can do. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. You are free to make your own decision. They believe this new love is real. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. And if I said that to him it might be a wake up call, but then again, I might regret it 10 mins later and regret saying it. She was surprised and said OK. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! I dont know. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." They do weekend workshops a few states away. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. Hi I will love to talk to you since you have already make it to the other side im 6 months from d-day at 1st I was the one waiting to fix things but he was in the fog now he is the one trying to come back but im so hurt.. he is trying to control me and manipulate me with $and our son. They certainly know how to twist the knife, dont they? You have heard all the same stuff we all have. However he was the one that came to his senses. I kept my sanity and wits and made good decisions. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. He has completely convinced himself he is But its not. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. Mark. You make no demands and ask no questions. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. Its been a few weeks since ive written. They got no validation or acknowledgement Their behavior was ignored. Not any more. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. K Im telling you this b/c I could never change his behavior. I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. Half of room and board and fees and semesters abroad and books etc. And if he leaves you or you separate or D it is his choice. I feel humiliated by it all. You will never regret standing up for yourself. Even though I know right now we are not working on our relationship, we are just kind of co-existing, it is still disrespectful of him if he is speaking to her, and it only continues to put me in a negative light because he just thinks im always around, its like I annoy him. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. She snuck back into town and it all started up with a vengeance. Im so sick of being sad! I was stronger when this first started. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. I wish he had any idea how this feels. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. It is important to have your $ in order, your paperwork in order, access to all financial records, bank accounts in your name alone so you have $ without having to rely on him. Im willing to do and try just about anything on my end that I can in order to hopefully help him want this marriage again, I just dont want to be disrespected and walked all over and its hard to know if thats happening when I dont know what I can trust., He told me in May (I think it was May) that he admires me when he sees me doing things for myself again and that it reminded him of the woman he fell in love with. See where it goes. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. We were only talkingnothing else! I need to get a grip. That is your reward. Am I making myself too available? But of course theres a way. When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. That is the first issue. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. Part of me is TERRIFIED that I will start to solely focus on me and the baby and stop asking him questions about what hes up to, and he will take advantage of that and start doing whatever he wants as if hes not married and start to enjoy it and fall more and more out of love with me. I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. No way. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. Come crawling back or find another OW. You are not forgetting. I want to move on but it kills me inside that he is out having the time of his life and showing no remorse whatsoever for the lives hes destroying. Doug: In our situation, in your opinion, what do you think really worked as far as getting me out of the fog? Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. Shes not been complete gone if you ask me. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. She is engaging with your H inappropriately. He realized how disrespectful it was. He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. You dont cheat. I just know the longer we go on like this, the more we are forgetting who eachother really is. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. My experience (and for so many beyrayed spouses) is the same as yours. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. But hes not interested (right now). The holidays come and go. But I just dont know how to act. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. He changed. You are his wife. Now, I know it was for the last several years. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. I also asked if he thought if there were more positives or negatives if we were no longer WE. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. It kills me every, single, day. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. I was very standoffish, not mean, just did my own thing. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. If a mans crisis was caused by self-esteem issues due to getting older, he could find himself coming out of midlife crisis fog without having dealt with the core I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. ,telling him to be home, telling him to do this or do that, then he can continue to think shes doing this, shes making me feel this way. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. He just had to break the bad news to her. I have written a very long response but feel very weird posting it on here all about my life. But maybe im wrong. But I would challenge him and tell him his actions dont show he really wants to be married any longer. His behavior is unacceptable!!! His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. Although he has been. Im SO terrified of getting the next text that says we need to file for divorce. But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. Why not back when I was DESPERATE to fix it instead of completely ambivalent? Its called the Plan B. Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. It was totally not him and I was confused because I thought she had left town with another man. Even if its wrong. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. Seriously crazy stuff. So we will just keep going. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. Im so happy I cry when I read this. Has giveN you some great advice. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? When we met I had just graduated college, gotten a good job, I was starting my life and he was impressed by me. Its always women. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day.
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